December changed my life through the eyes of traveling back to my culture’s homeland. I went back to Israel and found myself obsessed with it. The mountains, language, food, and traditions felt natural. I was over 7,000 miles away from Albuquerque, but somehow- I felt I was home. Since I’ve returned from this life changing trip- I’ve become obsessed with the things that had once touched Israel- as an Israeli chocolate wrapper, broken Israeli cigarettes, Israeli dirt stuck on shoes and other “trash” became shrine-like items in my eyes. This semester I focused on my fascination of the things that have touched Israel and how meaningful they have become to me.
I want it to be shorter. what information is not important to be in there? And what about the beginning?
Hey, so a few suggestions.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence is really awkward. I'm not sure how you could actually rewrite it, because I'm a little confused by what you mean. Which December? how could that change your life through something? Rethink that.
Also, take away the - and rewrite it so that they are either separate sentences or a single sentence. I suggest separate sentences, since I see at least 2 different thoughts.
To make it shorter and less redundant, the part about being obsessed with Israel is only necessary once and I think its probably more important in the obsession of things that had once touched Israel.
Hope this helps.